The Angel Who Saved Christmas
by LadyOfWinds
Summary: Full Title: The Angel Who Saved Christmas (And The Titanic 2.0, But We Don't Talk About That) Balthazar ends up on the Titanic 2.0 courtesy of Gabriel. There's Celine Dion, an outrageous amount of liquor and a pissed off angel who REALLY just wants to prevent another Titanic movie from being made. SuperWho, Crack!Fic.


_**AN: Dedicated to my friend Alice whose fault it is that this fic got written at all.**_

Balthazar was seated on a big, plush couch, one arm resting on the back, the other holding a drink. His feet were placed on top of the coffee table right in front of the large flat screen tv. He let out a sigh as he nestled deeper into the soft cushions before taking a sip. Finally some time to himself. This wasn't a heaven he visited frequently but it was perfect for times like this, when he just wanted to watch his show and not have to think about anything or anyone else for a while. With a snap of his fingers the tv turned on and for a blessed ten minutes the only sound to fill that particular heaven were the ones coming from the tv.

Balthazar froze mid-sip when Gabriel suddenly appeared in front of the screen. Narrowing his eyes for a moment Balthazar emptied the glass before motioning for Gabriel to move over as he tried to see what was happening on screen behind his older brother. When the other angel wouldn't bulge Balthazar let the back of his head thud against the back of the couch. "Whaddaya want, Gabe?" He asked, knowing there was no possible way he would be able to continue watching his show in peace so long as Gabriel was there. Better to get it over and done with as quick as possible. "I'm trying to watch my show here. If you'd mind?" He asked, raising his head and urging the other once again to move aside. Gabriel turned around, looked at the television for a few seconds before shrugging and turning back towards Balthazar. With an impish grin on his face the archangel snapped his fingers, turning off the tv. "Not anymore, bro. And for the record, the brother did it."

Still grinning Gabriel conjured up a bag of mixed sweets before plopping down on the couch. Balthazar made a sound of frustration and he had to resist the urge to throw up his arms. "Can't an angel get some peace and quiet up here? Haven't you got some Winchesters to annoy or something?" Gabriel tapped his index finger against his chin twice, looking up all the while. "Nope." He eventually concluded, bouncing in place. "I'll do that later. After I'm done with you." At that, Gabriel's grin reappeared and turned, if possible, even more maniacal. Balthazar recognized that grin, and it didn't bode well for anyone who wasn't Gabriel. A hint of worry started to make its way up onto his face as he started to shuffle to the end of the couch. "Oh no you don't." Gabriel all but giggled as he brought two fingers towards Balthazar's face. Now Balthazar was _really_ starting to worry, fear pooling in his stomach as he attempted to throw himself off the couch. Before he'd even managed to process the thought Gabriel's fingers were on his forehead and for a moment nothing happened. Balthazar was just about to take a deep breath and laugh at his older sibling when the couch, the tv, the coffee table, Gabriel, everything disappeared, just a faint "Have fu-un." Echoing through his head.

Almost the moment he was on solid ground again Balthazar was roughly shoved aside with an elbow to the ribs. With a muttered curse and a hand rubbing his side he made sure he wasn't in anyone's way before finally taking the time to take in his surroundings. The walls were wood panelling with golden accents here and there. A door opened a little away from him and he couldn't help the slight widening of his eyes as he took in people's clothes. Where the hell had Gabriel sent him? Deciding that standing in a hallway and staring at walls wasn't going to help him very much Balthazar walked towards the door he had seen those people pass through. As he neared the double doors he thought he could hear the buzzing of voices mixed with … classical music? Okay, now he _really_ needed to know where he was and what was going on.

After tugging his jacket a little more in place and throwing up his head Balthazar pushed open the door only to falter in his step. It was a party, a honest to dad _Christmas_ party! Walking further into the room Balthazar could almost feel his eyes popping out of his skull when a couple of _definitely _non-human creatures passed him needed a drink, right now and preferably lots of it, strong too. Almost in a daze he managed to make his way over to the bar and ordered a large glass of scotch. Oh, he was going to kill Gabriel, he thought as he downed almost half of the glass in one go. Okay, so apparently he was at some Christmas party that had aliens. He could understand why Gabriel would find that funny, but why send _him_ of all angels. It wasn't when he was about to take another sip of his scotch that he noticed. 'NO!' He thought. 'No, no no no, ABSOLUTELY NOT!' He felt his grace fizzle at his fingertips as he wanted nothing more than to send a blast of it towards the buoy that hung from the wall and read 'TITANIC'.

He quickly gulped down the rest of his drink before ordering another. As he sat there, drinking, he stretched and tested his wings. Just as he expected Gabriel had made it so he couldn't just fly away. He was stuck here. Perfect. Well, could have been worse, at least there's no Celine Dion.

Almost as if on cue a familiar tune filled the room. After quickly downing his glass Balthazar let his head fall atop the bar, all the while motioning for another refill. He had no idea how many drinks he had already had but he knew that it was nowhere near enough to deal with this.

_Every night in my dreams  
I see you, I feel you  
That is how I know you go on_

That did it for Balthazar. Snagging his drink from the countertop he hurriedly made his way towards the doors. On his way there he passed a window and faltered in his steps when he saw not the sea but glittering stars, galaxies and, was that the earth? So he was at a Christmas party, in space, on a craft called the 'Titanic' with Celine Dion assaulting his ears. He wasn't just going to kill Gabriel, he was going to absolutely destroy him and then some.

_Near, far, wherever you are  
I believe that the heart does go on  
Once more you open the door  
And you're here in my heart  
And my heart will go on and on_

But first things first, he was getting the hell outta Dodge before even thinking about anything else.

When the heavy wooden door fell closed behind him Balthazar leaned against it heavily, eyes closed in relief. Taking a large gulp from his glass he took a few moments to get his thoughts back on track before pushing himself away from the door. Opening his eyes he did definitely _not_ shriek and almost drop his glass when he came face to profile with a golden….figure….thing. "And what on earth are you?" He muttered, accent thick with annoyance. Certainly this thing wasn't supposed to be an angel, right? He was about to continue on his way when the thing turned around to face him and started to talk. "Information: Heavenly Host, supplying tourist information."

At that Balthazar couldn't help the slow turn and glare on his face. "Heavenly. Host." A few moments of silence filled the hallway before Balthazar blew up. "You're no Heavenly Host! We're the Heavenly Host! You're no angel! A freaky-robot-thing is what you are! I could smite your ass right this instance, resurrect you and smite you AGAIN!" He downed the last of his scotch before refilling it with a snap of his fingers and stomping off, muttering. This was all just too much, even for Balthazar.

Not really paying attention to anything he continued through the hallway and eventually rounded a corner, only to walk straight into someone, spilling whiskey all over his front. A fresh litany of Enochian curses flowed from his lips as he looked at himself and then at whatever idiot had been the cause of it.

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry, but you might want to cut down on the language a bit there." The man said, offering Balthazar a smile. "Bite me." Balthazar said, giving the man a sarcastic smile in return before snapping his fingers, effectively cleaning his clothes and refilling his glass. He then stepped past the man but found his path effectively blocked by a blue police box off all things. "What the…?" Before he could even begin to wonder as to what a police box was doing inside the hallway of the spaceship version of the Titanic his attention was drawn to a whizzing sound coming from behind him. Turning around so fast his suit jacket fanned out behind him Balthazar could just make out a bright blue light before it disappeared along with the odd noise.

"Aha, just as I thought." The man said, not having moved an inch and now holding a slender device. "Just as you thought what, exactly?" Balthazar was inches from smiting someone and this man was quickly turning himself into an appealing target. "You," He said, all cheer and smiles. "You're neither human nor alien. You're something different, though I can't seem to determine exactly what." Balthazar just looked at the man strangely, actually looked at him and even extending a tendril of his grace towards him, revealing that, despite his looks, he was definitely not human. "That tickles" The man said almost the moment Balthazar's grace touched him. "Are you doing something?" Raising a single eyebrow Balthazar really had no idea what to make of the strange man, alien, whatever, in front of him. "I'm the Doctor, by the way." The Doctor said, extending a hand.

Balthazar just looked at the Doctor for a moment longer before lowering his gaze towards the man's hand, suspicion evident on his face. The Doctor suddenly seemed to realize something and gave Balthazar a bright smile before lifting his hand a little and wriggling his fingers. "Oh, you might not know what a handshake is. You see, it's a greeting, you grab each other's ha-" "Yes, I _know_ what a handshake is." Balthazar snapped before grabbing the Doctor's hand, rather aggressively at that. "Balthazar, angel of the Lord."

After that the Doctor's smile seemed to grow bigger as he just stared at Balthazar, still holding his hand. As the feeling of uneasy continued to grow Balthazar tried to tug his hand free. "Euh, Doctor, you can let go now." The Doctor let go of his hand but didn't quit staring. Finally he seemed to regain the control of his mouth. "An angel? An actual angel? On Christmas? Oh, that's just _brilliant_."

"I'm sure it is. Now, you don't happen to know of a way to get off this ship, do you?" Balthazar asked tentatively, not exactly sure what to do with the man. "A way off? But I only just got here, say, you don't happen to know where we are exactly? I saw a buoy with the name 'Titanic' on it, but if that were the case, what would an angel like yourself be doing here." As he talked the Doctor walked towards the corner and peered around it, hoping to find some more information. Disappointed he turned back around towards Balthazar, waiting for an answer. "Oh no, it's much worse." Balthazar answered before raising his glass to his lips, deciding to humour the man a little. Realizing something the angel lowered the glass again and gave it to the Doctor instead, who accepted it with a look of confusion. "Drink, you'll need it. Anyway, from what I've seen, we're on some sort of space ship crafted and named after the Titanic. Why, I have no idea, maybe they want something bad to happen or whatever. But that isn't even the worst of it. The thing is," And now Balthazar took a step closer towards the Doctor and lowered his voice a little, almost as if saying the next words out loud would bring about bad luck. "They're playing Celine Dion." A shudder ran down Balthazar's spine as he drew himself from the Doctor's personal space, quickly snapping up a full glass for himself and taking a long drink.

Against all of Balthazar's expectations the Doctor seemed to light up at that. "Well then, what're we waiting for?" He grabbed Balthazar by the upper half of his sleeve and practically dragged the shocked angel all the way to the great wooden doors before he realized exactly what's happening and lets out a long, pained "Nooooooo." And then they're back in the dining room with all its people and music, but at least it's not Celine Dion anymore so Balthazar managed to relax a little.

The Doctor had at least let go of Balthazar's sleeve as he walked around, taking it all in, exchanging some words with a passenger here and there. Balthazar had strayed from the Doctor's side a little, not so far that couldn't keep an eye on him, - there was something very peculiar about that man - or that the Doctor would have to start searching for him should he need him. He kept to the side mostly, drinking and observing the strange creatures aboard. Balthazar wasn't really one to turn down a party, or at least the possibility of turning something into a real one, but this was all just a bit too strange, as well as the fact that he couldn't just take off should things get hairy, which they usually tended to do whenever Balthazar was involved.

It wasn't until the Doctor bumped into a pretty little, blonde waitress that Balthazar re-joined him. Spaceship Titanic with aliens or not, he'd never been one to turn down some possible quality time with a pretty waitress, or waiter for that matter. As the Doctor knelt down in front of her to help her gather the shards Balthazar slid up behind the man, flashing the girl his most charming smile as she straightened herself. "Hello there, darling. Please excuse my friend here, he seems to have a knack for bumping into people." He expected at least a giggle, but no, nothing. Not even being allowed the time to mentally huff at that the Doctor stood back up himself and slung an arm around Balthazar's shoulders, making the angel seem even smaller than he already was. Seriously, was the man trying to compete with Sam Winchester or something? "Ah, Balthazar, there you are." "Yeah, here I am." He muttered, glaring at the Doctor before looking back at the girl. All of her attention seemed to be focused on his taller companion so he shrugged of the arm and made a beeline for the bar. From there he could see them talking for a bit before going their separate ways.

Balthazar sat at the bar for a bit, lost in thought, wondering about how he'd get off this damned boat. Would Gabriel just lift the restriction he placed on him or come around and mock him first? The latter _did_ seem most likely, it _was_ Gabriel, after all.

He was pulled from his wonderings by a voice shouting something about red tickets or whatever, quickly followed by the sound of several people getting to their feet and hurrying towards the other end of the room. The Doctor and the blonde waitress from before rushed by him, hands entwined. What the hell was going on?

An older man started telling some grossly misinterpreted and twisted tale about Christmas. Apparently they were going to be teleported to Earth to experience their way of celebrating Christmas first hand. Good for them. That's when it hit Balthazar. Earth. He might be able to get out of here. In his haste to get off his stool Balthazar almost knocked it over. He shoved people out of his way, not caring for their shouts of protest or indignation. "Wait!" He shouted, almost tripping over his own feet as he reached out. Just when he was about to dig his fingers into the fabric of the Doctor's suit, he, along with the rest of the small group, dematerialized right in front of him. Grabbing nothing but air Balthazar overbalanced and ended up flat on his face. A loud and long stream of Enochian, Latin, Greek, Sumerian and then some more, curses left his mouth as he shoved himself up on his arms. He was going to pluck Gabriel's every last feather for this. Seething, he finally got up, glaring at everyone who even as much as dared to glace at him as he made his way over to the bar. Not caring about anything right now he hopped over the bar with a slight fluttering of wings and grabbed several bottles of hard liquor. Having jumped back over he found himself the darkest, most secluded corner of the room and sat down to drink, not that it would do much good. Oh, he was going to be pissed at the Doctor when he came back, he _knew_ that he'd been looking for a way out of here, instead he takes that girl.

Too caught up in his own thoughts Balthazar didn't notice the Doctor's sudden return at first, not until, some ten minutes later, the man appeared in front of him and pulled him from his chair. "Something's wrong Balthazar, something's terribly wrong yet no one seems to pay it any heed. There's a bunch of meteors heading straight for us, the shields are down and we're not changing course. I could really use your help here." Balthazar tugged his sleeve out of the Doctor's grip and was about to give him a piece of his mind about leaving him like that when the words registered. "Fucking great. Although I'm not all that surprised, naming your ship 'Titanic' is basically just _asking_ for disaster to strike." He grabbed the only bottle on his table that wasn't yet empty and set it to his lips, tipping it up to polish off that one as well. "Guess I could go up to the bridge and have a look." The Doctor gave him a smile and a brief nod at that. "Brilliant, I'll come with you." Balthazar waved a hand at that. "Nah, I can handle this. After all, I already did prevent the Titanic from going down once."

The Doctor just stared at him quizzically for a moment, as if trying to figure out if he was serious or not. Just when he was about to ask the angel about it Balthazar vanished with a strong beat of wings. Unnoticed by both men the girl the Doctor had gone off to earth with had come up behind him. "Doctor, I think there's some- WHERE DID HE GO!" The Doctor finally managed to snap out of it and spun around. "Astrid!" He just grabbed her wrist and dragged her out of the room. Once outside she freed herself and stood still. "Doctor, what is going on? And where'd that guy go?" Taking a deep breath before looking at her and grinning the Doctor said, "We're gonna save this ship from going down like the previous one of its name." He turned around and was about ready to start running again before he realized something. "Oh, and that guy? He's an angel." With that he grabbed her hand again and started to run.

oooOOooOOooo

Balthazar appeared on the bridge with a flutter, startling both Captain Hardaker and Midshipman Frame. The captain turned around from his position at the wheel. "Who're you? How'd you get here?" The warnings kept droning and blaring in the background. Frame was constantly glancing at the flickering panels, panic and confusion evident on his face. "My name's Balthazar, I'm an angel of the lord, yadda yadda yadda. Could you please just put everything back in order. Today's not really my day and I'd really like to avoid another Titanic fiasco. They could make _another_ movie!" Balthazar said as he walked over to one of the control panels and leaned against it, crossing his legs at the angle as he did so. A new glass of scotch was snapped up and he gave the captain a threatening glare over the rim as he sipped.

Hardaker straightened himself and gave an indignant huff. "You can't tell me what to do." Balthazar let out a sigh at this, shaking his head softly. "You know, I can just do it myself. I was just giving you an opportunity to do the right thing." With a shrug the pushed himself away from the panel. That's when Hardaker got out a gun and shot him. Frame let out a yelp, eyes wide, the captain just looked cold as stone before his eyes widened too, Balthazar just stared down at his chest and the flower of blood that blossomed there before the wound closed itself. He let out another sigh and rolled his eyes before looking the man straight in the eyes. "That was my favourite shirt."

Hardaker dropped the gun as he started to back away from the pissed off angel. Making a mad dash for the door he screamed when Balthazar locked it with a single snap of his fingers. "I'm sorry! I'M SORRY! THEY OFFERED ME MONEY FOR MY FAMILY! I'M SORRY!" Balthazar quickly touched two fingers to Hardaker's forehead, efficiently shutting the man up by rendering him unconscious. Praising himself on a job well done Balthazar absently waved a hand at Frame. "Do what you must." Frame quickly took to the panels and started to push buttons, pull levers and flip switches. One by one the warnings stopped blaring and blessed silence fell over the bridge.

Balthazar walked over towards the wheel, placing his glass on top of one of the panels before gripping it. A small smile ghosted over his lips as he stared into the vastness of the universe through the big windows. Another movie disater averted.

It was at that moment that the Doctor and Astrid reached the bridge. The Doctor quickly unlocked the door and seemed rather disappointed to find it so calm. A hint of worry entered his eyes as they landed on the unconscious captain. "You didn't-" "Nah," Balthazar said, eyes still strained on the stars. "just unconscious." The Doctor seemed to relax at that "Oh, good." He and Astrid joined Balthazar at the wheel. Not much later the meteors that had been heading towards them passed by.

For a while they just stood there, all four of them, until Balthazar handed the wheel to Frame and snapped up a plush sofa. Letting himself fall back in it he just sat there for a while, sprawled out and eyes closed. That's when he heard Astrid gasp. "Are you hurt? Do you need a doctor?" The Doctor asked, worry in his voice. Balthazar opened one eye to look at them before remembering being shot. He pulled his shirt away from his chest to take a good look at the scarlet flower there. "Oh, this. Captain shot me. It's nothing, already healed." With a snap he cleared the stain. "Shot you?" Astrid questioned. "But how can you not be dead then? He hit you right in the chest?" Balthazar gave her a smug grin and a wink. "I'm an angel, darling. No mortal weapon can kill me." That seemed to conclude it and silence filled the bridge once again.

"Anyone know when this things docks?" Balthazar asked after a while, refilled glass in hand. He was starting to wonder if Gabriel was planning to let him sit out the whole cruise, stops and everything, or if he would regain the full abilities of his wings once they reached the next harbour. "Let me take a look." Frame spoke up, fingers of one hand tapping away on one of the monitors. "If you really want to go I suppose I could take you." The Doctor said. "I mean, if you want to."

Balthazar gave the Doctor a nod. "Thanks for the offer, but I'm not entirely sure if that'd work." The Doctor looked at him strangely at that. "Why wouldn't it?" A smile that wasn't as much amusement as it was anger and disdain appeared on Balthazar's face. "Oh, just that my brother was the one to put me here and make it so that I couldn't fly off this boat. Apparently he thought it funny, seeing as he full well knows how much I hate anything even remotely related to the Titanic." Almost as if on cue the sound of wings resounded through the bridge and Gabriel appeared, seated on Balthazar's right armrest. He looked around the room and his golden eyes lingered on everyone for a bit before focussing on Balthazar. "I see you made some friends. Did you have fun." Balthazar turned in his seat, rage evident on his face, hands outstretched and ready to strangle the archangel. "Gabriel you fucking dick, I'm gonna kill you." Gabriel hopped off the armrest in one fluid motion, easily dodging his brother's hands before wandering around the bridge. "Nice view." He commented, snapping up a lollipop and placing it inside his mouth.

"Gabriel." The Doctor said after observing the short man for a bit. "Gabriel, as in, the archangel Gabriel." Gabriel twirled around and flashed the man a big grin. "Guilty as charged." Balthazar was now standing next to his sofa, hands balled and seething. "Gabriel, you're going to lift those restrictions you put on me right. Now." "Now why would I do that, bro. It rather seemed like you were enjoying yourself." Balthazar walked over to where the Doctor and Astrid were standing and crossed his arms, lifting a single eyebrow. "If you don't, the good Doctor here will take me off this thrice-damned boat and I swear, I'll never help you, or those Winchesters you seem to like so much, out again. Ever."

Gabriel looked the Doctor and Balthazar up and down a few times, not entirely impressed yet. "And how are you planning to do that, _Doc_." The Doctor tilted his head for a second before straightening it again. "Well, I've got my TARDIS parked here. My spaceship." He elaborated when he received only blank stares. Gabriel seemed to blow up at that, turning into a five year old. "A SPACESHIP? An honest to Dad spaceship?" The Doctor looked at him with a hint of amusement on his face. "Well, yeah." Gabriel turned to Balthazar, practically bouncing on his feet. "I'll lift the ban but we travel back with the spaceman!" Balthazar just shrugged, posture still stiff. He was going to be very displeased with Gabriel for quite a while. "Fine by me."

They all bid Midshipman Frame farewell and he saluted and thanked them. Balthazar reassured him Hardaker would stay unconscious until their next stop where he was to hand him over to the authorities. Passing by the room where the party was still on-going, no-one seemed to have noticed something of their oncoming doom, they said goodbye to Astrid. The Doctor and the two angels continued on towards the TARDIS. When they first got there Gabriel looked crestfallen. "That's it? That's your spaceship? Kinda pathetic." This, however, changed once he stepped inside. Balthazar was impressed as well but managed to keep it better contained than his brother. Gabriel was running and twirling around the control room.

Apparently Gabriel had to see the Winchesters about something so that's the address he gave the Doctor. When they arrived, both angels looked a bit more rumpled than they had before – they had failed to grab onto something in time when the TARDIS took off. With a last look around the control room Gabriel gave the Doctor a small wave before exiting. Balthazar took a little longer. "It was nice to meet you, Doctor, and thank you for taking me off that ship." The Doctor grabbed his hand and shook it vigorously. "Oh no, the honour was entirely mine, an actual angel, and thank you for your help. Who knows what might've happened if you didn't stop that man when you did." Balthazar just shrugged nonchalantly. "We couldn't have another Titanic going down, now could we. Goodbye Doctor." "Goodbye, Balthazar." With that, Balthazar took off, a fluttering of feathers filling the TARDIS for a moment. About to turn around the Doctor noticed something laying on the floor. It was a single feather, colour a soft cream with an azure shaft.

_**AN: Yes, I like to think Balthazar is (not so) secretly addicted to cop shows.**_


End file.
